Starting Over - Part II - Onward & Upward: Reality & Relationships

This week my 52-week blog assignment was to write about winter. I hate winter. Having had a chronic pain disorder since the age of 24, I despise cold, wet weather. I long to move somewhere where the humidity is low. Georgia is always damp, regardless of the season. The pain, thus, dampens my enthusiasm for the cold.

In light of not having much positive to say about the current season, or my aching bones, I want to write a bit more about Starting Over, as this concept does usually come to us during or following a winter season of life. I wish I had know this when I was 24-years-old (pictured with my son at that age).

I preface this by saying I have wonderful parents who are constantly reading and studying and learning and growing as human beings. Everyone wants my parents. They’ve been wonderful to me and my children. I grew up in a very loving home.

But, I was a horrible communicator growing up, and I didn’t make my needs known at times. Because of this I had emotional needs that were not getting met, and by the time I was thirteen or fourteen, I was a very lonely person. I developed some bad habits of living in a fantasy world when it came to how I viewed the people around me.

I had a Disney Princess naivety about me and always saw the best in everyone, which got me into a handful of toxic friendships and relationships.

Since then I’ve learned, if we did not get what we needed emotionally from our parents as kids, either because we didn’t communicate our needs, or because they were not offered, we learn to fantasize and idealize our parents, mentors, friends, crushes, etc. as being better than they actually are. Or we put expectations on them and the relationship that are not realistic. We love and trust individuals blindly, without taking the time to see if they have the character to support a healthy friendship or relationship.

If we’re to truly start over and have healthier relationships in this new year, it is vital we learn to communicate our needs better.

If we don’t, when we’re in high school or begin adulthood, we idealize our friends and potential boyfriends. We fall in love with their potential, not with who they really are. We fantasize about what could be, not what is.

This is why I fell in love with men who were not what I needed them to be, but who had potential. And, of course, I’d get let down when they failed to live up to their potential.

As a high school girl (pictured with my one crown), it causes me to have that Snow White mentality of just seeing the best in everyone and ignoring danger signs. We project this into the people we meet by expecting them to be like us, and having very high expectations of them. Then, when they don’t live up to our expectations we are just destroyed with disappointment.

Learning to live in reality and not fantasy is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and those around us. Just accept others for who they are, not what we want them to be. I don’t ever want to control someone in a relationship by making them be what I want them to be. Control is not love.

It is so important to me that my children be allowed to disagree with me. I never want them to feel like I only love them and approve of them only if they agree with the way I see the world. I learn so much by seeing the world through their eyes when I’m given the chance.

I love how my daughter (pictured right) now will come up to me and be like (paraphrased), “Mom, I’m not getting what I need out of our relationship, so you need to step up your game.”

I witnessed my son and his girlfriend of seven years talk to each other back at sixteen and seventeen years old (see photo below of them as teens having one such discussion), sharing their needs with one another like adults. Their ability to communicate their needs and expectations realistically has been inspiring to watch, and it’s made for a very healthy relationship that has lasted into their adulthood.

I, as a child, wasn’t brave enough to walk up to someone and say, “I need this, I’m not getting it, and what are we going to do about it?”

I am now. And, that’s the joy of starting over. There’s healthier relationships to be had on the horizon.

Let’s make a pact this year…

• Let’s take our time getting to know new people, rather than blindly trusting them to be as good and loving as we are.

• Let’s accept disappointing people for the jerks they’ve proven to be, rather than trying to idealize them into fitting the fantasy we’ve made up in our heads.

• If someone doesn’t want to be what we need, or if they can’t respect our healthy boundaries, then let’s not mind asking them to exit our lives.

ONWARD & UPWARD!!!